Gaining composure
I blew my top in 2002. Lost the room. Not anger. My amygdala took the wheel.
Every disagreement gets scanned for threat before it gets scanned for content.
Save this for the next meeting or situation where you feel your jaw tighten before you’ve said a word.
1. Seek explanation. Walk me through your thinking first.
↳ Keeps the prefrontal cortex online instead of handing control to the amygdala.
2. Agree some. Before I push back, here’s why I agree.
↳ Naming shared ground first drops the other person’s cortisol before the disagreement even starts.
3. Full context. I want to check I’m not missing context.
↳ A question keeps their nervous system out of the defensive state a correction would trigger.
4. Slow down. Can we slow down on this part?
↳ Shifts both of you out of fight or flight before the exchange escalates.
5. What about. Here’s where I land, and why.
↳ A steady tone regulates both your sympathetic and parasympathetic systems at once.
6. Push back well. I’m going to push back, and I want to do it well.
↳ Naming intent first engages their prefrontal cortex before the disagreement lands.
7. Work together. Let’s stress test this together.
↳ We language releases oxytocin and signals safety to a brain wired to treat competition as threat.
8. Voice concern. My concern is this, not that you’re wrong.
↳ Separates the plan from the person, keeping identity out of threat mode.
9. Invitation. What would change your mind here?
↳ Moves someone from defense into thinking, the vagus nerve’s version of standing down.
Sometimes – somewhere along the way, staying quiet started to feel safer than being right.
You do not need to feel calm to disagree well.
You just need one sentence that keeps the room open instead of closing it.
Sanjiv Beri lives in Utrecht, Netherlands.
Sanjiv Beri – Longevity Performance Strategist & Founder of HEALTHSPAN.
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